The mediator's role, and its limits
A mediator is a neutral who helps both spouses work through the issues and reach their own decisions. The mediator does not represent either of you, does not decide anything, and generally does not advise either of you about your own interests. Sessions are usually private, and the discussions are often treated as confidential, though how far that protection goes depends on the agreement you sign and the law where you are. Many couples work through property, support, and parenting over several sessions, at a pace they set rather than a court calendar. In New York, a divorce reached through mediation still has to be filed and approved by the court to become final.
When mediation may not fit
Mediation depends on both people being able to speak for themselves at the table. Where there has been abuse, threats, or controlling behavior, sitting down to negotiate can be unsafe or simply unfair, and the process may need to be modified or set aside. It also struggles when one spouse controls the financial information and will not share it. Before the first session, collect your own pay records, account statements, and a rough budget so you are not relying on the other person's numbers. If you are worried about your safety, tell the mediator and your own lawyer before agreeing to anything.
A consulting lawyer alongside the sessions
Many people in mediation keep a consulting lawyer of their own to review proposals between sessions and the final draft. We can explain what a proposed term would mean for you, flag issues that have not come up yet, such as health coverage or retirement plan paperwork, and tell you where a proposal departs from what a court would likely weigh. We do not attend every session unless that is the arrangement you want. A first meeting usually sorts out whether mediation suits your situation and how a review would fit around the schedule you already have.
