Why blame rarely moves the court
Under no-fault divorce, which most New York cases now use, the court does not need to hear why the marriage ended. In New York, marital misconduct generally does not affect how property is divided unless it is so egregious that it shocks the conscience, a standard reserved for rare cases. That can be hard to accept when one spouse feels deeply wronged. Telling your lawyer the full story still matters, because parts of it may be relevant elsewhere in the case even if the reason itself is never argued. What feels central emotionally and what is central legally are often different things.
Where the reason does matter
Some reasons behind a divorce carry consequences of their own. Money spent on an affair or a gambling habit can sometimes be counted against the spouse who spent it, as wasteful dissipation of marital assets. Abuse and threats matter for safety, for an order of protection, and for decisions about the children. Substance use can be relevant to parenting time when it affects a child's care. Keep evidence on these points, such as bank records or messages, in its original form, and talk with your lawyer about what is worth documenting before writing anything new.
Telling the story usefully
In a first meeting we listen to the whole account and then sort it into the parts that affect the case and the parts that mostly affect you. That sorting helps decide which ground to file on, what to look for in the finances, and whether any safety steps are needed first. It also helps avoid spending money proving something the court will not weigh. A therapist or counselor may be a better place for the parts of the story the court will not consider, and taking care of yourself through the process matters too. None of this means your experience is unimportant; it means each part of it belongs in the place where it can actually help you.
